In Conversation with… Sabian Wilde

081216-2008inreview-tight (Audio)

History will show, ‘07 belonged to Kevin
But now we’re in ‘08, and its time to contemplate
Did we go from bad to worse — is that trend in reverse?
How did we get from there to here? Take a look back on the year…

If it somehow fell to me to write this year in history
I’d have to note we’re contrary to all the other trends I see

The US sent a black man to the White House
But locally we re-elect The Dormouse
Who’d like some yellow-cake with his tea

Say can you see Kevin went ahead and said sorry
That was back in Februrry, nothing rhymes with February
When you say it propruary — next step was voluntary
When he signed the Kyoto Treaty, greenies thought he was the bee’s knees

When I’m writing history, I’ll give out what I get
Yesterday Kev pissed upon carbon reduction targets

In May we had a $20 billion surplus
And signs of an impending credit crisis
Now our banks are all guaranteed
Next comes the deficit we had to have, you’ll see…

Olympic Games? The Chinese apple of the media’s eye
Unless they want to televise, or get the news up on the net
What the hell did you expect, when there’s no democracy
The censors choose what you can see – déjà vu or is that just me?

I’m not rewriting history, just picking out the bits that struck a chord with me
I know not everyone will agree with me

Because the highest rating story of the year, you betcha
Was the death of Heath Ledger, followed by
An update on the death of Heath Ledger
Followed by Should Ricky Ponting lead the cricket team
That was SMH, not me.

We hold these truths to be self-evident
That on the first day God made heaven and earth
And on day two, the firmament

Dry land rose up on day three
But the fourth day doesn’t make much sense to me

Let there be light over the firmament
He made the sun and moon, they’re permanent

So tell me how he counted out the days, from one to three
Before the sun, before the moon and without gravity

I’m going to the Creation Museum my friends
To see how all this science fits in with god’s plan
I’ll see dinosaurs and humans, in perfect harmony
And learn about the lies we’re told by paleontology

I’m going to… I’m going to the
Creation Museum

Descartes once said, ‘I think therefore I am’
But God’s word is much simpler – ‘I am that I am’
And who am I to question God, when all we need is faith
And twenty seven million bucks of

Robotic displays and a video of Adam
Played by a guy who runs a site, with his bedroom webcam
He’s called the bedroom acrobat – God loves us all, but possibly
not that

I’m going to the Creation Museum, my friends
To learn about the Flood and how it made the Grand Canyon
Forget about erosion – that’s the science of fear
Remember that we’ve only been here for six thousand years

We’re going to… We’re going to the
Creation Museum

Let me drop all my cynical pretenses
I’m a man that has no faith, if I’ve a soul it is defenseless
I’ll not deny there’s wisdom, in most of the Commandments
But the Word of God’s a funny thing, that changes with the Testaments
And I don’t believe that I’m well received
When I speak of all philosophy as just a means of simply being – here

I hold this truth to be self-evident
Science never disproved God, even if that was its intent
But Christians on a crusade against science
Simply work hard to deny us

The right to think, the right to free will
That thing that was supposed to make us more than animals

Not going to the Creation Museum my friends
It’s possible I’ll go to hell, we’ll see who’s laughing then…

This is a little unusual for me… found the subject matter a little heavier than I would normally go for satirical purposes… not that some of the content isn’t laughable, but there’s just something eerie about the BBC preparing a post-nuclear attack broadcast.

I may add more to this post later, when I’m feeling funnier.

You can download the script here…

In the meantime…

In Conversation With… Post Nuclear Radio

We didn’t hear the bombs fall
We only heard London Calling
A voice upon the radio
Said stay calm but don’t leave your homes
You can’t escape, can’t run away
Yes this is clear and present danger

This is the BBC
Stay on this frequency
It won’t be safe ’till you hear the sirens
It could be a week, it could be a fortnight
This is the BBC…

We can’t assess the damage yet
Nor casualties because the threat
Doesn’t end with the explosion
Stay in charge of your emotions
Fallout follows the big bang
And one more thing, turn off the gas…

This is the BBC
Stay on this frequency
You can’t see or feel radiation
Put your trust in us, your station,
This is the BBC

And then the voice said,
“Water means life. Don’t waste it”
And I wasn’t sure which one he meant.
Because I’m fairly sure it wasn’t me
That called upon the military
For a first strike that would all but
Flush us all away…

So thank god for the silent sirens
The cold war didn’t end with violence
Successive governments avoided
Sending us straight down the toilet
And it’s been more than thirty years
Since the fallout script never appeared…

This is the BBC
Stay on this frequency

Peter Barr, I only left you in charge
For a weekend, when I came back
We had a Liberal Government

This is worse than the time
When I went away and asked you to feed my cat
And you fed my cat to your dog
This is worse than that

A good carpenter can get resurrected
But no Carpenter ever got elected
Even Jesus never won the primary vote
Even with the preferences
From his Father and the Holy Ghost
Even Jesus never won the primary vote
He never got past the post

But it’s easier to keep it in the family
Than buy your House with regional royalties
The Libs have risen outta the fire
And onto the Grylls
He’s just doing his best
For the new Nationals

And I don’t blame him… I blame

Peter Barr, I only left you in charge
For a weekend…

I’ve got a cold, the kind of cold that God got
When he sneezed out the world in a stream of phlegm and snot
It’s a funny universe, but who would have guessed
That we wouldn’t be here if God had reached the Kleenex

God had a cold and he must have had His reasons
Yes, Great Scott! We’re Holy Snot – Let’s phlegm it up for Jesus
So never wonder why mankind can spread like a disease
We’re a viral outer spiral and the Big Bang was a sneeze

Did you hear me right? Did I hear you say Gesundheit?
‘Bless you’ says this shortly: ‘Blessed be the One Who Sneezed’
You just need to have faith You can’t refute this
Wrapped up in God’s Love, warm and safe inside His mucus.

Yes I’ve heard the superstition — the sneeze is a biological form of exorcism
The body blowing out the demons
that were hidden deep within them

But I say ‘NAY!’ It’s Pre-natal
Life gestating in the nasal
Cavity, that is my belief
The Foundation of my theology
But it’s hard to sing when you can barely breathe

I’ve got a cold, the kind of cold that God got
And I’m going to grow some cultures from these samples of my snot
It’s a funny universe, there might be more than one
We’ve always known that I was sick, this is the manifestation

I’ve got a cold.

According to www.fark.com, there are seven types of not-news story.

1. Media fear mongering – Are we adequately prepared for unlikely occurrences?

2. Press release masquerading as Article – we know NOTHING about this one.

3. Headline contradicted by Article — It’s OK guys, blame the subs. Always blame the subs — they like it like that, they do…

4. Equal Time For Nutjobs — If your publication still believes in presenting two sides to every story, make sure the story isn’t blatantly ludicrous.

5. Out-Of-Context-Celebrity-Comment — Pink dag, anyone?

6. Seasonal Articles — Budget released… next day ‘How many doilies does it take to set government table”.

7. Media Fatigue — Has the media gone too far? Do boobs still mean anything after being used to sell everything? OMG — he said BOOBS!

…..

It’s a slow news day…

When the news is slow
But the ads still need somewhere to go
There are seven kinds of stories you can write

You can take an unlikely proposition
Take it to a member of the Opposition
Ask: “Are we prepared for a nuclear strike?”

He might give a stupid answer
He might run helter-skelter
In which case you accuse him
Of heading to a bomb shelter

“Buswell Unprepared For A Nuclear Attack!”
Read about it on page six
“Should the Libs give him the sack?”

Then you go out for a comment to the Dockers:
Pavlich says that their form is so bad
He wouldn’t be too bothered

It’s a slow news day…

If you can’t be arsed writing ‘War and Peace’
You can always cut and paste
From someone’s press release

Someone’s always got an axe to grind
And failing that you can always give
A nutjob equal time

“Armstrong didn’t walk the moon!”
Says a Flat Earth blogger who’s a certified loony

Nine out of ten prison inmates
Say that eating Weetbix makes them feel great

“Could your cereal make your child a killer?”
and “Who would win in a knock-down fight
with King Kong and Godzilla?”

It’s a slow news day…

There’s no denying – it’s been a long time
Since Indi cracked the whip
Will he fall and break his hip
Running from a rolling boulder
Looking for a Crystal Skull (or will he)

Rise up to the task – kick geriatric ass
The truth is that he does
If that gets you all a-buzz
Then you’d better wait a minute
‘Cause I’m gonna spoil the finish

Stupid Frickin’ Aliens!!!

If adventure had a name – then it once was Indiana Jones
If adventure had a name
Watch the fourth in the series
send the franchise up in flames

There are no Nazis – Now it’s the KGB
The bad guy is a chick
And she’s meant to be psychic
But I watched that crap for hours
And she didn’t have no powers

Where have all her powers go – they were there in the casting…
Where did all her powers go – it was a long long time ago

Mola Ram is spinning in his grave
ET’s back and he is pissed
Even Elliot couldn’t save this shit

It’s not that bad I guess — But it is pointless
The hero of my youth
Getting so long in the tooth
Ain’t the thing that makes me angry
It’s the fact that Spielberg’s wanking

If adventure had a name – then it once was Indiana Jones
If adventure has a name
Get the first three on DVD
And watch them with Patriot Games

I believe that ordinary people can be quite extraordinary
Looked at with a fresh and open mind
And the concept of celebrity preys on our insecurities
And sends our confidence into decline

I believe reality TV is somehow fundamentally
Unable to allow us our pride back
‘Cause it feeds into celebrity by letting all the ordinary
People prove on TV that they’re hacks

And that is why of all these shows, Gladiators is the best I know

If you think you have a right to be in my loungeroom, on my TV
I think it’s only fair you try your luck
Against silicone and steroids wrapped in skin and lycra leotards
You get what you deserve, you stupid fuck

I admit that there appears to be an element of bravery
A test of skill, and we can see you’re tryin’
You’ve forgotten the psychology – we head out to the Colosseum
To see Christians get fed to the lions

And that is why of all these shows, Gladiators is the best I know

I believe it isn’t spurious (although it makes me furious)
To claim it’s a social experiment
If that’s the case, let’s step it up, yes let’s overfill the cup
This idea is just, but kind of bent

Housemates this is Big Brother, it’s time to meet the next intruder
Well, to tell the truth, in fact there’s ten (seriously)
Yes last week we brought in Corey, this week in a blaze of gory
Gladiators in the house, my friends…

Housemates, it is time to go,
Gladiators are the best I know
You beefcake boys and bimbo skags
Eviction now takes place in body bags
Housemates, it is time to go,
Gladiators are the best I know

We’d been in Bangkok for all of fifteen minutes, took a taxi from the airport
Screaming down the freeway, at one hundred and thirty kay
And the lines that made the lanes up didn’t seem to mean that much that day

My wife leans over, takes my hand and asks me, if I am afraid..
Yes I am, but no I won’t, ask the driver to slow down
I’ve got a feeling he won’t kill us just as long as we can let him CONCENTRATE

If your daily grind wears your mind down, stops you living in the moment
I might have a good cure for it…
Let someone drive, who doesn’t care if you live or die…
Why don’t you let a Thai drive…

High on our list of things to do was seeing tigers outside of a zoo
A Buddhist monk teased tiger cubs as wild pigs ran through the underbrush
The guides claimed it was safe enough to give the bigger tigers belly rubs

If your daily grind wears your mind down, stops you living in the moment
I might have a good cure for it…
Why don’t you try lying down with a big feline
Pat a man-eating feline

Our bus ride didn’t go to well, right through the night, perhaps through hell
And then a ferry to Koh Tao, it’s paradise, but before we can settle down
We’re given homework in the hope that we might learn how not to drown

We’re going to learn to dive, a husband/wife team tryin’ to stay alive
All it takes is complete trust, communication and other stuff
You’d think a marriage was made of, well here’s a way to see if it’s enough

If your daily grind wears your mind down, stops you living in the moment
I might have a good cure for it…
Take your wife underwater and pick a fight
OK — sometimes I’m not too bright

But –

I’d like to breath, under the sea,
but I’m wasting oxygen while trying to scream
It’s clichéd crap, I just wanted to see the map
While she was navigating to safety

I’m blowing bubbles and heading for trouble
Yes I am sure lucky she loves me

I guess she could have left me there, screaming and running out of air
But she did not, I think that’s hot,
I deserve less than I have got
Or perhaps I’m off the mark
She’s waiting till the next time, when there’s sharks…

If your daily grind wears your mind down, stops you living in the moment
I might have a good cure for it…
Just risk your life patting tigers, or let Thais drive
Why don’t you let a Thai drive?

Fly with pride... whenever you want

Stonemasons from Melbourne were the first to negotiate
The number of hours in a working day should really stop at eight
21st of April back in 1856
They reduced the working week while making sure the working wage was fixed

And that is why, we celebrate the 21st of April here in March…

I love Australia, I love the way ya
Get to celebrate your public holidays
On any day that suits ya

It’s something in our character
That says it doesn’t really matter
History’s the means to an end
And all we really want is a long weekend

A long weekend…

The Queen is looking old these days, I’m not sure that it’s nice
Could it be because we celebrate her birthday twice
Every year because here in the West it interferes
With celebrating Foundation, a day on which we sit and sink some beers

And that is why, if you must know
The Queen’s birthday coincides with the Royal Show

I love Australia, I love the way ya
Get to celebrate your public holidays
On any day that suits ya

So if that date comes into play
On a Saturday or Sunday
Take the Monday anyway
Thank the Stonemasons when you get paid

You still get paid
Thank Labour Day